Disbelief

Blueberry | Photo by Lukas from Pexels https://www.pexels.com/photo/berry-blueberry-blur-close-up-440122/

Disbelief – Noun.
Inability or refusal to accept that something is true or real.

I have a secret. The kind I want to shout about and share with the world because it makes my heart sing.

I’m pregnant. 

The world has taken on a new glow. It’s rosy, and everything appears in shades of pink. Like pencil erasers, baby piglets and rose petals.

I’m really pregnant. 

Every night I listen to a Circle + Bloom meditation. It relaxes me, centers my focus and helps me sleep. So much so that I’m rarely able to listen all the way to the end before my eyes close.

I’m grateful. 

One meditation is a body scanning exercise. The narrator guides you through a moment of focus on each part of the body. At one point she says to focus on a color. I don’t choose the color, it chooses me: cotton candy pink. Sticky, fluffy and sweet. Like the cheeks of my future baby.

I’m so grateful. 

My dreams are shaded in pink, too. I’m convinced we’re having a girl. I will name her Valerie Marion after my mother and grandmother. She will be part of this legacy of strong women who come before her. They are survivors of loss, gracious and kind. They paved the way for her to join this world.

I’m eternally grateful. 

As the days go by I begin to feel pregnant. The morning sickness starts slowly at first on Thanksgiving morning. Two days later it’s an all-day, every day occurrence. I’m surviving on small meals every two hours, peanut butter crackers and ginger ale. Nausea is a sign of a healthy pregnancy, some say.

This is a gift.

My HCG levels continue to double normally. The countless blood tests, injections and ultrasounds – every single prick, poke and prod – that led to now were all worth it. The nurse schedules my first ultrasound for December 11 when our baby will be the size of a blueberry, exactly 7 weeks, 2 days old. My lucky numbers.

This is a sign.

I can look at other pregnant women now without envy and longing. I am one of you now. The spare room will become a nursery. I will fill it with books and leave room for her dreams and who she will one day become.

My own dream is coming true.

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